


It's Just Not Cricket

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Community: spoiler_song, Cricket, F/M, Ficathon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 06:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Fifth Doctor and Nyssa come to London in 2012 for a treacherous cricket lesson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Just Not Cricket

**Author's Note:**

> For the River/Doctor Ficathon, May 2012.
> 
> This was marked as explicit for two months and I didn't realize it! It's not explicit at all. My apologies.

William Mortimer dropped his pen when he saw the Doctor and Nyssa come through his door.

"Excuse me," the Doctor said. "You do work at Lord's, don't you?"

"Why, yes. Yes, I do." Mortimer was very cheerful.

"Do you know how to play cricket? I do realize that not everyone who works at Lord's knows how to play cricket."

"I certainly know how to play cricket, good sir."

"I'm the Doctor." The Doctor pointed towards Nyssa. "This is Nyssa. I'd like to give my friend a cricket lesson. You never know when you need to play a cricket match…in South Africa…in 2006. Which I know is six years ago."

"There are always your dreams, Doctor. I'm William Mortimer, by the way."

The Doctor looked at Nyssa, then William. "I certainly wouldn't call myself a fairy, but I can grant wishes sometimes."

"Whenever you can fly the TARDIS."

"Yes, Nyssa, whenever I can fly the TARDIS to get to exactly where we need to go. Oh, I hope you don't mind me parking near the Pavilion."

"We don't have parking near Lord's, Doctor. It makes it harder to get inside the stadium on match days."

"No, no, I parked my TARDIS in Lord's. I know better to attempt to park anything in the middle of a busy street. I've been forced to stay on Earth long enough, thank you very much."

 

William, the Doctor and Nyssa walked back onto the main ground at Lord's. The Doctor was carrying a cricket bat while Nyssa was wearing protective gear on her arms and legs. William was carrying a few cricket balls.

"We usually don't hold lessons on the grounds," William said. "Well, we had this American television host play cricket on the grounds once, but that was to sell Lord's to Yanks. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Doctor and Nyssa."

"Thank you, Mr. Mortimer, but I assure you, I've seen things more impressive than a private lesson on the grounds of Lord's."

At the pitch was a woman dressed as a cricket umpire. Somehow she managed to tuck her curls inside her hat.

William walked to the woman standing at the pitch. "Excuse me, but who are you? And why would I need an umpire for a cricket lesson?"

"I work here, sweetie. I've worked here for many years. I felt like coming to work today. The question is who are _you?_ "

William sighed. He stood in front of the umpire. Nyssa stood near William and the umpire.

"This, my dear Nyssa, is a demonstration of a forward defence. I'll throw this ball to the Doctor—we'll discuss pitches later—and he will hit the ball with the cricket bat close to his left foot."

The Doctor positioned himself in a batting stance, spreading his legs and standing in position. He hit the cricket bat on the mound. William threw the ball to the Doctor. The Doctor stepped forward and swung the cricket bat, sending the ball sailing past Nyssa, William and the umpire.

"Very good, Doctor!"

William pulled out another cricket ball. Instead of looking like a regular cricket ball, made of wood and covered in leather, the ball looked like it was made of metal.

"Are you sure that's a cricket ball, Mr. Mortimer?" Nyssa asked.

William threw down the ball. The ball emitted a smoke, knocking Nyssa unconscious. The umpire covered her mouth.

"Of course it is." The Doctor didn't hear William, but the umpire did.

The Doctor got out of his batting stance. "What's happened to Nyssa?"

"She tripped. She'll be back on her feet in no time. Shall we practice another round while we wait?"

The Doctor dropped the cricket bat. "No. What's happened to Nyssa?"

William grabbed another ball. "This is what happened."

William threw the ball at the Doctor. The umpire took out a sonic blaster and shot the ball before it reached the Doctor, causing the ball to explode in mid-air.

William turned to the umpire. "I know you didn't work here."

"To be fair, Monk, you don't work here either."

The Monk tried to run off the field, but he tripped on the grass, not far from the pitch. The umpire followed him with the Monk's cricket balls.

The Doctor ran to Nyssa. "Nyssa? Nyssa?"

"I'll be right there, Doctor. I need to take care of the Monk first."

"The Monk?"

"Yes," the Monk said, "I'm the Monk. I know I've regenerated since the last time you saw me, but then again, you've regenerated as well. Why couldn't I get a younger body?"

"Actually, I got this body after three older bodies and a Watcher. I was working towards this one."

The Monk groaned. "I'm surprised you didn't know who I was. Mortimer, Mortimus? Get it?"

"Well, I get it now, but it's been so long. I don't know if you could've survived my velvet-wearing incarnation. Two words: 'Martian karate.'"

The umpire pointed her blaster towards the Monk's face. "Where's your TARDIS?"

"I'm not telling you. Who are you?"

"I'm River Song." River grabbed one of the Monk's metal cricket balls and dangled it over his head. "Shall I ask you again? Where's your TARDIS?"

"In the Long Room."

River kissed him on the cheek, leaving a lipstick print. "I suggest you run there right now and never come back to 2012 ever again, or I'll find you. Oh, and I'm actually the Doctor."

The Monk got up and ran towards the Long Room. The lipstick, hallucinogenic, made him think River was actually the Doctor he knew a long time ago, the one with the Edwardian frock coat and walking stick.

River put the cricket ball back on the ground and shot it with her blaster. She ran back to the Doctor and Nyssa, putting the blaster back in her holster. She wiped the lipstick off with her sleeve.

"Nyssa's been poisoned with a gas, Doctor. It's a gas from Mars, engineered by Ice Warriors in the 27th century."

"Oh, are the Ice Warriors still around?"

"Very much so. The gas affects all species except for two: Ice Warriors and humans. The Monk is an anomaly; I think he's taken some medication to make him immune to this poison. I've got to suck the poison out of Nyssa's lungs."

"How did you know Nyssa wasn't human, uh…River, wasn't it? And how did the Monk know?"

"I know about all your regenerations and companions, sweetie. And the Monk made a lucky guess."

River pinched Nyssa's nostrils and breathed into her lungs. Breaths later, Nyssa woke up. She looked around and saw River and the Doctor over her.

"Where was I?"

"Poison gas. William Mortimer was actually a renegade Time Lord known as the Monk. He hasn't been punished by the Time Lords yet, but he will. Come on. I'll help you up."

River stood up and pulled Nyssa to her feet.

"Who are you?" Nyssa asked.

"I'm River Song."

The Doctor extended a hand to River. River shook it. "I'm the Doctor, and this is Nyssa of Traken. Thank you for saving our lives. Where are you from?"

"The future, Doctor."

"Are you in my future?"

River hushed the Doctor. "Spoilers."

"Okay. What led you to us?"

"I'm a time traveller just like you, Doctor. I came to 2012 to visit my parents, but I knew something was wrong when I came to this year. My mother was dead and placed inside a box called the Pandorica while my father was an Auton."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "Autons can reproduce. That's new."

"Technically, they still can't. I have all your pictures, Doctor. I looked at them in my present and, mysteriously, I only had four pictures of you—the older you in the frock coat, the younger you in the frock coat, the one in the smoking jacket and the one with the scarf. Your picture and the other pictures of you were gone.

"While looking for you, I stumbled upon an odd titbit—the cricket game between South Africa and Australian on the tenth of March, 2006, was the worst game in the history of the sport. It only lasted 25 runs and all the players were Time Lords. I knew that this version of you, in the cricket outfit, and your companion made it in time for that cricket game and even snuck yourselves into the game. That game, as I first read it, was played by mostly humans and was deemed the best cricket game ever. I knew someone had changed time. It didn’t take me long to figure out the culprit, the Monk."

"So you came to 2012 so you could save Nyssa's and my life."

"I saved all your lives, Doctor. You'll do wonderful things in the future."

"Do I get to know these wonderful things, River?"

River put a finger to her lips.

"Spoilers!" Nyssa said.

"See? Nyssa knows. Are you enjoying him?" River winked at Nyssa.

Nyssa nodded.

"Have fun with him now. He's not my Doctor—not quite yet. "

"What do you mean 'not quite yet?'"

River ignored the Doctor. "One day you're going to leave him. But you'll do great things without him."

"I assume you can't tell me what I'm going to do in the future, either."

River shook her head. "You're not supposed to even know I'm here."

River reapplied the lipstick to her lips. She kissed the Doctor on the cheek. "When I leave, I'll get you a proper cricket instructor. Stay here on the green. Win that match for South Africa. And do forget about me, sweetie, or we'll destroy time further." River kissed Nyssa on the cheek as well. "You too, Nyssa."

River rolled up her sleeve and pressed a few buttons on her vortex manipulator. She disappeared in front of the Doctor and Nyssa, reappearing somewhere out of their sight at Lord's.

The Doctor blinked his eyes, and so did Nyssa.

"Well, it looks like we have our equipment ready. I'm not sure how it got here, but it's here. Are you ready to play cricket, Nyssa?"


End file.
